The Answer I Was Seeking - March 26

I came to India because of Patty Cullen. She was a visitor last year and showed me the Ashram video when we got together after her return – maybe in April of 07. I then spent the next 7 months vacillating – should I come or not? Normally I make decisions rather quickly – some might suggest rather precipitously! Not this time. I didn’t make my final decision until November, when I spoke with people at the Mt. Madonna Center in Watsonville - the organization that set up the Ashram. I wanted as much information as possible before signing on.

I met with JD and Swapna. They were kind, helpful, and honest about the challenges of India and life in the Ashram - but that still wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to know specifically what job I would do. I told them I was giving up volunteer work I valued so needed to know what would replace it. JD gently suggested that I should “go to India and let India guide me.” I nodded, “Yes, yes, sounds good, that’s fine, but please, what exactly would I do?” I wanted behavioral objectives, goals, lists of responsibilities – maybe even a flow chart or two! He then, even more gently, said that, perhaps I should really wait until I got to India and then “let India guide me.” As I looked a little more intense about WANTING TO KNOW, he switched gears and asked why I wanted to come to the Ashram. I responded with something like, “Well, I want to experience life in a developing country, see if I can leave my Western ways behind (I watched his eyebrow start to lift), stretch myself (it lifted even higher) . . . ” and I realized my attitude could not be more Western if I tried. I paused, laughed, and said, “Maybe I should just go to India and let India guide me.” “What a great idea!” he responded.

Two months later I flew to India content with the idea that I would find my reason for coming once I got here. Yep, India would provide the answers I sought. Yessiree. But soon after my arrival (maybe on day #4) I truly began to question why I was here. I quickly learned that they really didn’t need me to help with the infants – they have more than enough staff to take care of them. I can hold a baby just about whenever I want but there is no need for me to hold them.

I then met Kavita and started volunteering in the school. It was a wonderful experience - both here and in Rajasthan. But I am also more than ready to move on from being a teacher. Short returns to the classroom are fun but I don’t want a significant teaching commitment in my life right now.

It was always fun to play with children – and I did that in the afternoons. Now that Babaji is here it is also fun to sit in his room after dinner while the kids crawl all over him. You all know me, I simply love being with children – have a hard time keeping my fingers off them - so what fun to spend time with them. But I don’t feel I made any significant contribution to the children other than providing one more source of unconditional love. I don’t downplay the importance of this but it doesn’t seem as if this was the reason I was here.

I could have done lots of interesting things outside of the Ashram – gone to town more often, taken day trips to neighboring areas, or do what many did - visit other parts of India for a week or two and then return to the Ashram. The trip to Mussoorie was a little taste of that and it was fun. But, as I have stated from the day I made the decision to come – my goal was NOT to tour India but to help in the Ashram.

So here I sat, sometimes incredibly bored. Several times I seriously considered returning home early but kept coming back to the belief that I was here for a reason - I just needed to discover what it was. India, GUIDE ME!

I think the answer is not at all what I expected. Instead of coming to India to help the children, I think I ended up helping myself. I think I am here to learn how to slow down; to focus on what is truly important. I know it is almost a cliché about retirement – you are busier than when you worked – and it was certainly true for me. I was also raised by a mother who was a role model for burning her candle at both ends – and I followed her lead. Yes, Edna St. Vincent Millay, it does give off a beautiful light BUT at what a cost.

Ravishankar’s advice to slow down wasn’t new. I had heard it all before. I just never really accepted it as applicable to me. Instead, I believed that accomplishing 20 things a day meant that I was accomplished. That if I didn’t agree to do a task, it wouldn’t get done. Or, perhaps of even more arrogance, no one else would do it as well as I could. But what have I given up by being so busy? What delightful conversations or activities have I walked away from in order to finish one more task that someone else could have done? In what other ways might I have spent my time that would have enriched both my family and myself?

I can’t change the past but I can adjust the future. Given my genes, I may have another 20 – 25 years left if I am lucky and a cement truck doesn’t mow me down. What about living those 20 – 25 years at a slower pace? How delightful to live in the present instead of always thinking about what is next - or what needs to be done to get ready for what is next. And, why has it taken me almost 60 years to figure this out?

I need to follow Ravishankar’s advice - focus on one or two things and enjoy the moment. I want more time to have tea with my neighbors, enjoy each of my 3 book clubs (yes, Ravishankar, I am keeping all 3 – they are each a joy. What wonderful women are in each) and visit people who can’t come to me. I want to keep traveling but to visit family and friends, rather than new places. I don’t want to have to hurry home because commitments are pulling me back. The rest of the world I haven’t visited? It can wait.

But I also know it won’t be easy. I need to cultivate the skill of saying NO because YES just slips out of my mouth so easily. In some ways, I can’t wait to get back to my work with MSQLP (Multiple Sclerosis Quality of Life Project). I have missed the staff, the board, and our clients. It is truly one of the most wonderful volunteer experiences of my life. And yet, I can so easily get swallowed up by it - the needs are so great and the resources so few. This will be my first challenge – to figure out how I can maintain balance AND continue to help guide the organization.

I am approaching the four-year mark of the ten years I set aside as a gift to myself when I decided to retire early at age 55 (well, right before my 56th birthday). If I had stayed teaching for 10 more years I would have a much better retirement package but I have chosen to live a little leaner and take the opportunity to use these 10 years differently. I used the first four to literally travel the world. Last time I counted I visited 13 countries and 28 states. I have repeatedly visited Hawaii and Alaska is beginning to have a similar appeal. I have also enjoyed visits with family and friends. But I have been BUSY. I think year 5 will be a year of reflection on how to live better with less – less commitments, less things, less distractions. And then, I suspect, a new path will open for the second half of my “gift of 10 years.”

So, all of you who kept saying how wonderful I was to come to India to work in an orphanage – didn’t quite happen that way. My altruistic trip was, perhaps, not so very altruistic after all. I came to India and thoroughly enjoyed my time with the children – and worked hard at many jobs - but I also took time to work on myself. I achieved my goal – I stretched– but it was in ways I didn’t expect. I thought it was to learn how to cope with life in a developing country. Yes, that happened, but more significantly, I am learning how to enrich the rest of my life.

What did not happen was a spiritual stretching. I thought it might. I think I am just going to stay the same old reprobate former-Catholic I have always been. I will continue to try to control my “potty mouth”, will undoubtedly remain irreverent in more ways than I should, will continue a relationship with God that is my own – not a Catholic way, not a born-again Christian way, not a neo-Hindu way, not Swami Yogananda’s way – just my own. I am not a devotee of Babaji although I admire him tremendously. During the entire 4 1/2 weeks he was here I never really spoke with him. I smiled, waved, namasted, sat and listened – but nothing more. It just didn’t happen. It wasn’t necessary.

I am, however, coming home changed. India was so much more than I thought it would be. I saw amazing things and met wonderful people. They were gracious– they listened to my halting questions, took time to give me thoughtful answers, encouraged me to experience all that the Ashram and India had to offer. I am especially grateful to Kavita, RP and Kannu. By welcoming me into their family they enriched my life. I hope I see them again.

And now it is time to come home. Yes, JD, you were right. I came to India and it guided me – just in ways I didn’t expect. I am grateful. The experience was incredible.